"THE PASSION" HOOP-LA (June, 2004)

This night, I found out that actor-director Mel Gibson, and actors Jim Caviezel and Barbara Hershey were all going to be in the audience. I decided to mold my routine about the recent "seeings-of-the-light" that several people of crooked reputation got from watching Mr. Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ".

I walked over to Jim Caviezel's table, got down on my knees, grabbed one of his hands and screamed, "I confess that I married my third-cousin by mistake!" I begged to be forgiven and wouldn't release his hand until he did.

"I forgive you," he said, touching my hair with his free hand, "and the Lord God forgives you as well."

Bowing to him, over and over again, I crawled over to Mr. Gibson's table and said to him..."You know, this guy's fantastic! He really thinks he's Jesus!"

AN APPEARANCE ON LATE-NIGHT TV (February, 2004)

I was telling the host of the show of my recent joke about the Grammy Awards, which were held two nights previous.

"One-quarter of the audience cracked up immediately...and they were people of color! The rest just sat there, scratching their heads with one hand. I swear...if they raised the other hand and started to scratch their sides, I was going to throw them bananas!!!"

THE 2004 GRAMMY AWARDS (February, 2004)

Here it is...Friday night, February 20, 2004. The Grammy Awards are going to be held this coming Sunday night. I understand that this year they are adding two new song categories...rap-crap and hip-hop slop!

NO SUCH THING AS FOOLPROOF CAR ALARMS! (May, 1996)

Nowadays, everybody is opting to purchase a car with specialized equipment to prevent their vehicles from being stolen. Well, let me tell you this...there are no such things. If a thief wants to steal your car, he'll steal it!

Let's take the fad known as "The Club". That just incapacitates the steering wheel. All the experienced car thief has to do is remove said steering wheel...and the car is history.

The factory-installed object called "Lo-Jack"? Equally as ineffective! Suppose the thief steals your car while you're asleep. By the time you wake up and report it, it's probably in some god-forsaken chop-shop!

"Viper Alarms"? Forget it! All a thief has to do is inject quicksilver into the keyhole and it's bye-bye car!

Now, I'm smart. I have my car protected five different ways. I have "The Club", "Lo-Jack", a "Viper Alarm", a .357 Magnum in the glove compartment...and a tiger in the tank!

AN END TO MY AMATEUR COMIC STATUS (April, 1995)

My first stage appearance as a comic was before a panel of judges, comprised of some of the best comics of stage and screen. I walked onstage, carrying a wooden folding chair. I popped it open and sat down, staring at the audience. They were wondering what I was doing.

"You'll have to forgive me," I said to them. "This was supposed to be a stand-up routine. But I've been on my feet all day long, looking for work...so I decided to make it a sit-down act!"

The audience realized the chair was part of the act and burst out laughing. I kicked the chair offstage and went right into my qualifying act...including a praise to Bob Hope, who was on the panel.

"Many people don't realize that Mr. Hope has other talents besides acting, singing and making people laugh. Mr. Hope is also a fabulous skier! One weekend, he decided to go to Aspen. Only problem was...a blizzard had closed down the slopes. So, Mr. Hope had nothing else to do but stay in the lodge and befriend the owners' dog, a humongous Saint Bernard...minus the whiskey keg! Now, this dog had a problem with fleas. Mr. Hope realized this when he woke up Sunday morning and found a flea skiing down his nose, shouting 'yodel-la-hee-hoo!'"

How did I make out at the contest? I came in second!