LADY, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG DAVID!

A lady stopped me in the supermarket...yes, I go to the supermarkets myself!... well, anyway, she recognized me from when I played in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat". She said that from that time on, she never missed a chance to purchase a ticket to see me on stage...even here, if you can believe that!

Anyway, she asked me why I don't put my talent and good looks to use before a camera and do a movie.

"I am," I told her. "As a matter of fact, I have three indies in the can waiting to be released at Sundance...and I just finished a TV movie."

"What's it called?" she asked.

"It's called "David and Goliath"."

"Oh, goody! I can't wait to see you kill that giant with your slingshot, dressed in your little toga and sandals!"

I was appalled! She thought I was doing a TV remake about the Biblical David... not a story about a horticulturist (named David Burke) going up against a corporate giant (named Sam Goliath).

Finding myself at a loss for words, all I could say was, "Lady, you've got the wrong David!!!"

"So what?" she said. "As long as you kill the giant!"

IS OSAMA REALLY DEAD?

I was surprised when I went into a Thrifty's store near my house and looked at some of those dumb tabloids the stores sell. Can you imagine...Ashley Olsen Netted In Drug Raid! What?

Now, there's this new thing on some British rag called Weekly World News. The headline screams out at you...Osama bin Laden Is Really Dead! Then, they show this picture, claiming that it is the Al Qaeda leader, stiff as a board on a slab.

Who are they trying to kid?

If that's really Osama bin Laden, then somebody had better fire the makeup artist for using a retouched photo of Elvis Presley's glass-like face!

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS!

My daughter, Anya, is not even four years old...and yet, she has a mouth like a... well, like a dictionary. I guess I have myself to blame for that. After all, the minute she opened her mouth and said her first word...dada...well, I just had to get her something to read!

Do you know she knows more of the weirdest words that I ever heard? I mean, how many parents can honestly say that their three-year-old knows what "synergy" means? Heck, I'm 33...and I can't even pronounce the word, much less know what it means!

And, how many parents can attest to the fact that their three-year-old has already read Black Beauty when they should have been reading Pippi Longstocking? Damn...I didn't read that book until I almost reached puberty!

Now, my son Ilya, almost two, is looking through the dictionary and found his first word in the book...boobs! I tried to tell him that a boob is:

a) a dumb, or stupid, person

b) a creature of lower than limited intelligence, and

c) another word for a television.

He just shook his head.

Do you know what he said? "It's one of those pimples Mommy's got stashed away!!!"

Figure it!

A KOSHER FRIDAY NIGHT

A rabbi and his wife were preparing for the Sabbath.

"Moshe, go to a farm and purchase a live chicken," she said. "I want you to kill it and make it kosher."

The old rabbi nodded, put on his coat, went out the door and headed for the nearest farm so he could purchase a live chicken.

On the way back, he noticed a movie theatre, which specialized in classic movies. This night, the movie which was being shown was a 1934 Polish film starring Molly Picon called "Yidl Mitn Fidl"...or, in English, "Yidle and His Fiddle". This was a film the old rabbi hadn't seen since he was a boy in Poland. He wanted so much to see it again...for old time's sake. Since it was being shown this one night only, the rabbi put the chicken down his pants, purchased a ticket and walked into the theatre.

Halfway through the film, the chicken started cackling for air. The old rabbi opened his zipper so that the bird could breathe.

An old woman sitting next to him looks at the chicken, then the old rabbi and then the chicken once more.

"Hey, Mabel," she said, turning to her friend who sat to her left. "Get a load of this!"

Mabel looked at what her friend wanted her to see.

"So what, Gladys," Mabel said. "You've seen one, you've seen them all."

"Yeah...but this one's eating my popcorn!!!"

"THE NO PRINCIPLE" (February, 2005)

I came from a very strict background. Both my parents separated well before I was born. I was raised by my mother until I was 12, and then my father took over. I thought I would get off light.

WRONG-O!!!

My father was the kind of disciplinarian who studied the "no principle" in our house...NO drinking!...NO smoking!!...NO gambling!!!...NO girlfriends in the bedroom!!!!

Now that I'm married and have a son and a daughter, I plan to continue this principle in my household. I have an appointment for gelding next month. That means...NO sex!!!!!

I told my wife about my plan. She said, "If you go ahead with it, you can count on a sixth rule to the 'no principle'...NO more marriage!!!!!!"

MY UPCOMING ROUTINE ABOUT THE 2005 GRAMMY AWARDS (February, 2005)

This is certainly a great country we live in. We should be proud to call ourselves "Americans". After all...where else can you live where you could be dead for almost a year and still walk away will so many awards?

(In re: The late, great Ray Charles.)

MY INTRODUCTION TO THE ULTRA-MODERN CHURCH (February, 2005)

A friend of mine told me of this new church in L.A.

"What's so new about it?" I asked him.

"It's ultra-modern," he said.

Forgetting that I'm of the Jewish faith, he dragged me along to this church. Let me tell you...it wasn't just ultra-modern but it was hip as well.

How hip was it?

It was so hip that the pastor dressed in jeans and sandals (like in the 60s) instead of the traditional robe. And his sermon was just as hip. Instead of ending it with the traditional "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit", he ended it by saying "In the name of Big Daddy, Little Daddy and Spooky"!

"THE PASSION" HOOP-LA (June, 2004)

This night, I found out that actor-director Mel Gibson, and actors Jim Caviezel and Barbara Hershey were all going to be in the audience. I decided to mold my routine about the recent "seeings-of-the-light" that several people of crooked reputation got from watching Mr. Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ".

I walked over to Jim Caviezel's table, got down on my knees, grabbed one of his hands and screamed, "I confess that I married my third-cousin by mistake!" I begged to be forgiven and wouldn't release his hand until he did.

"I forgive you," he said, touching my hair with his free hand, "and the Lord God forgives you as well."

Bowing to him, over and over again, I crawled over to Mr. Gibson's table and said to him..."You know, this guy's fantastic! He really thinks he's Jesus!"

AN APPEARANCE ON LATE-NIGHT TV (February, 2004)

I was telling the host of the show of my recent joke about the Grammy Awards, which were held two nights previous.

"One-quarter of the audience cracked up immediately...and they were people of color! The rest just sat there, scratching their heads with one hand. I swear...if they raised the other hand and started to scratch their sides, I was going to throw them bananas!!!"

THE 2004 GRAMMY AWARDS (February, 2004)

Here it is...Friday night, February 20, 2004. The Grammy Awards are going to be held this coming Sunday night. I understand that this year they are adding two new song categories...rap-crap and hip-hop slop!

NO SUCH THING AS FOOLPROOF CAR ALARMS! (May, 1996)

Nowadays, everybody is opting to purchase a car with specialized equipment to prevent their vehicles from being stolen. Well, let me tell you this...there are no such things. If a thief wants to steal your car, he'll steal it!

Let's take the fad known as "The Club". That just incapacitates the steering wheel. All the experienced car thief has to do is remove said steering wheel...and the car is history.

The factory-installed object called "Lo-Jack"? Equally as ineffective! Suppose the thief steals your car while you're asleep. By the time you wake up and report it, it's probably in some god-forsaken chop-shop!

"Viper Alarms"? Forget it! All a thief has to do is inject quicksilver into the keyhole and it's bye-bye car!

Now, I'm smart. I have my car protected five different ways. I have "The Club", "Lo-Jack", a "Viper Alarm", a .357 Magnum in the glove compartment...and a tiger in the tank!

AN END TO MY AMATEUR COMIC STATUS (April, 1995)

My first stage appearance as a comic was before a panel of judges, comprised of some of the best comics of stage and screen. I walked onstage, carrying a wooden folding chair. I popped it open and sat down, staring at the audience. They were wondering what I was doing.

"You'll have to forgive me," I said to them. "This was supposed to be a stand-up routine. But I've been on my feet all day long, looking for work...so I decided to make it a sit-down act!"

The audience realized the chair was part of the act and burst out laughing. I kicked the chair offstage and went right into my qualifying act...including a praise to Bob Hope, who was on the panel.

"Many people don't realize that Mr. Hope has other talents besides acting, singing and making people laugh. Mr. Hope is also a fabulous skier! One weekend, he decided to go to Aspen. Only problem was...a blizzard had closed down the slopes. So, Mr. Hope had nothing else to do but stay in the lodge and befriend the owners' dog, a humongous Saint Bernard...minus the whiskey keg! Now, this dog had a problem with fleas. Mr. Hope realized this when he woke up Sunday morning and found a flea skiing down his nose, shouting 'yodel-la-hee-hoo!'"

How did I make out at the contest? I came in second!